Just Move On

Shonna and Meagan discuss the challenges of dating and when to move on. They discuss that it's ok to be happy with yourself, despite the temptations of continuing a toxic relationship.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Take me back to the good old days when I didn't feel pain, when I didn't feel the shade. Hello and welcome to His Light in the Darkness. I am Shauna Fontaine. And I'm co-host Megan. Okay, we're gonna start it over. Yeah, we're gonna do it over.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Wait a second. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Hello and welcome to His Light in the Darkness. I am Shauna Fontaine. And I am co-host Megan. I started this podcast written. And so I'll just come up with it. Okay, ready? And one, two, three. Hello and welcome to His Light in the Darkness podcast. I am Shauna Fontaine. And I'm co-host Megan. I started this podcast inspired by a devotional that I wrote about depression, anxiety, addiction, grief, fear, worry, trying to inspire those, encourage those during the darkest of times. And today our episode is going to be talking about dating. Yay! So excited. So actually, I did write a book called Red Flag Run, um, under my maiden name, Shauna Bedford, because I wanted to help people who were in situations thinking, wow, it's only me. This is only happening to me, and kind of educate them just from the experiences that I had that were not good, did not turn out well, and basically just to inspire them to move on. Yes. You know, a lot of times we can get obsessed. So let's say you're with a guy and you think he's great, and all your friends are like, he is not great. We don't like him, and you're so enthralled, and you know, you're so into them. And your friends are telling you, get over, get over it. Then he decides to break up with you because, well, who knows why? Many reasons, right? And then you get obsessed, and you're going, I wonder what he's doing. I wonder if he's with somebody else. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder, and you let it control you and like pull you faster. Yes, faster. And then you want to see where they are and who are they hanging out with. And really, you just got to cut ties and go, I'm gonna be better off if I just stop. Right? Yes, yes, stop, yes. So that is basically what this is going to be about. Yeah, is just talking about red flags and when you need to get out.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Agreed. Yes, red flags are are big ones and they should be paid attention to not to be ignored, thrown by the wayside.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Well, so whenever I wrote my book, okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

What year was that?

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Gosh, I wrote that I think it was three or four years ago. So red flag run. And we've talked about it before. Yes. I wrote there was one guy that was 14 chapters. He was 14 chapters. Oh my. Okay. And you get with somebody and then you're like, what what happened? Why, why, why? And I came to the conclusion that God placed me with all these people so I could do the education, right? And then write a book and help people to notice the signs, the red flags that are going on that you need to pay attention to. I mean, my book is funny but serious. Yeah, I tried to write it just at short chapters because nobody wants to sit there. Once you read a book, how many times do people get into a book and they go, you know, I just I don't feel like I'm not feeling it or too long or whatever. It's like three to four chapter or three to four pages each chapter. Perfect. Really short to the point, but it's going over different aspects of dating. And I say, I think that guys and girls, you know, it's not directly related to men because females can be crazy too. But it's like they've read this, I call it this uh book. You know, they've read this book, they know the game plan and they say the same things. It's fascinating because I've dated guys of all different, you know, uh economic economic uh placement. I have uh dated uh people who have doctorates, um those that don't, you know, not that they're not intelligent, but I've I've uh dated people who really challenge me intellectually, the ones that don't, that I usually have to move on from. And it's interesting that all of them say the same thing. It's like they've writ read this specific book.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Give me an example. Is there one specific thing that they all say that really sticks out in your mind? Like uh quo or like um, I don't know, like a very specific They like to it's not you, it's me.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Uh yeah. I mean, there's a lot of things. That's why this book is like, yeah, it's not you, it's me. So one of the things that I talk about in this book is a lot of people want to um want to say people are narcissists or they're gaslighting. And I don't think they really know what the definition of narcissist is. What I talk about in my book is some people are just bad people, they aren't narcissists, they're just bad people. Why don't you give us a little breakdown of each so that the listeners have a little bit more clarity? Well, narcissists love themselves, they love themselves, and you are always the bad guy, but they and this is where they say gaslighting comes into play. It is not they can be separate, but most narcissists do gaslight. Okay, okay, great. So here's a perfect example. I was dating this guy, and I could tell that it was a slow kind of um control emotionally.

unknown 6:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

So it was he was a little older than me, not much, but and it felt like I was the inferior, even though I know I wasn't, you know, just the way that he would act with other people. And when we were out and about, it was like I was the inferior of the relationship as opposed to the equal. So I remember we were having discussion, and it wasn't we weren't arguing or anything, it was just, oh yeah, well, I told you this. And he's like, You never said that. And I said, No, we were right here. I remember the conversation. But you remember specifically, I remember specifically, I was sitting on the bed, it was right after we got back from your parents' house, you know, and we had talked about this. No, that no, you were just thinking that that didn't happen. And I'm like, I know I'm not crazy, I know I'm not crazy, but that's what they do, and it's not like outwardly they don't come in and go, Oh, yeah, this is this is the way it was. It's easy, it's easing into it, especially with the narcissist. So they love themselves, they love attention. Okay, okay, but a lot of the times they don't go outwardly trying to make it seem like they want attention, they're flamboyant, they you know, are people are drawn to them because they've got such great energy and you know they really want to be involved with people, you know what I mean? But you think that's putting on an act, putting on a show? Well, yeah, absolutely. And you know, some people say, Oh, they're uh low self-esteem, you know, these people. Um to a degree.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

I think that some people will do what they can to get attention, but or do you think they're kind of more of the opposite, kind of full of themselves? Very um well, that's what interesting, you know.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Is so I've met so many people who they are, they do seem full of themselves, and they'll go, Oh, I just got I'm so uh insecure. I'm so and it's like you know sorry.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

I was about ready to dance to that. Trying to turn my ringer down. Apologies.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Apologies.

SPEAKER_02 9:29

She's quietly trying to turn off her phone. No, no quiet.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

All right. So that's two, the self-people.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

The bad thing is because of this, people will get low self-esteem. So their whole purpose of narcissists is to diminish you so that they feel like they are, you know, the superhero, the king, the one that everyone wants to be with or around. And so that's why they search for people that they know that they can kind of manipulate. Yeah, that they can manipulate, they can dominate emotionally, you know, mentally. It's not really the physical part when it comes to the narcissist, it's more the emotional. Yes. But that's like their game. Who can I get that? And once you realize what's going on, they don't want you anymore. It's like, uh, I can't manipulate you anymore. And I want to be celebrated. I want to be the king or the queen. Like I said, it's not just male or female, it's both equally.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Which gender do you think it's more um, I don't know, is the word profound? Like, do you think it's in more males, more females? I've never really known a female narcissist.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

I think what it's talked about is male. I think women tend to hide it better because I've heard so many horror stories from male friends about oh, I love this person, and then as the relationship progressed, I mean I've heard horror stories of, and I think they hide it well, they hide it better. Okay, because not as outwardly. In general, outwardly. Let's be honest, guys say what they think for the most part. I mean, in general, and women think they think a lot. So I think it's more men that we know of, like outwardly, but it's there are just as many females. You just don't know about it because it's behind closed doors and they're very good at hiding. I mean, look at history. You've got like Eve, you have you have several women that have made their mark in history, not in the good way. No, but that's just one, you know. I hear a lot of people, oh, he's such a narcissist. I'm like, but do you really know the definition of narcissist? He may just be a jerk. Yeah, there are jerks out there. Chronic, chronic jerks, and that's what you can call him. You're a jerk. Because sometimes it's like we want to take on the oh, he's such a narcissist. He's so gas, you know, he's he's gaslighting.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

And gaslighting is they try to convince you that you are in the wrong, or turn the scenario around on you, yes, and that's typical gaslighting. Now, isn't that term gaslighting a little bit newer?

SPEAKER_02 12:40

Yes. Okay, yes, exactly. So manipulating, you know, what we grew up next. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

So it's manipulating. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

But that's one of the one of the things I talk about. I also talk about when they try to, okay, I'm I'm appealing to women and men, you know, it's not just I have a friend that recently got out of a relationship and he wasn't allowed to talk to any of his friends. And it's like, um, that's kind of a sign that she's probably not a good person for you. Yeah. Because if they that's huge controls, male and female. It's not just one or the other. They come in, they whine and dine you, and you're just like, oh, I love him, I love him, or I love her. She's so great. And then, you know, I don't think your friends like you that much.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Isn't it kind of um interesting when that person that's out of the two that's involved, like has no idea, does not see it, but the people around them on the outside are the ones that are like, I, you know, I don't know, like, you know, when it's just crazy.

SPEAKER_02 13:47

I've so I've been in relationships where I asked people, what do you think? And they didn't tell me the truth. So I stayed with the person. They weren't a good person, and then afterwards, oh yeah, I thought that. Well, why didn't you say anything? Right, right. I would have gotten rid of them. Oh, shit. You know? Yeah. You gotta be honest with your friends. And if uh you know they don't want to speak to you after, at least you know you've done the job of being a good friend.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

But you were asking for it, and I mean you would not have turned them away for saying something you didn't like. Like you were you were wanting the critic, you know, the critique back. What did what was what was the reason would they say why they didn't tell the truth? We didn't want to hurt your feelings.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

We didn't want to hurt your feelings, we knew you liked them, and I'm like, no, you got to tell me the truth. Okay, so my biggest memory of this, and it wasn't a friend, it was um a relationship that I had in college, and I went to a private college, and um the woman who is in charge of the females, yeah, at the I don't know what her exact role was called, but she came to me and she said, Please don't date him. You know, he is not a good person for you. Oh, and I said, Give me a reason. Yes, if you give me a reason, I'll listen to you. And she said, Well, I can't tell you. And I said, That's not how fun. But if you tell me, and and it came to pass that he ended up being a pedophile.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Oh my gosh. To like Shauna, children. So how long later did you, when you say came to pass, how long later did you find out? It was about four years.

unknown 15:32

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 15:33

It was about four years, and it was children. He left the country, didn't come back. He left the country, yeah, didn't come back. Good riddance, leave. But it was, you know, and I even asked her and I think back how different my life now, mind you, now remember, there's a difference, you know, God does let us go through things. Relationships teach us lessons, hopefully, of how to do things better. Hopefully. But there are times when we need to listen, and there are times when if you ask someone, please tell them the truth if it's going to prevent them from going through something like that. Where guess what?

SPEAKER_01 16:14

He's a pedophile, especially if you know something really, really intense like that. That's obviously a deal a deal breaker.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

Yes, because she was serious, she was like, you need to stay away from him, and then why are we protecting him by not saying what it was?

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Well, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

I don't know what the discussion was privately with the faculty, but it was why wouldn't you come out and say that? Not only with that, but the children that he messed with, you know. Right. That it was between kids between the ages of like eight and fifteen.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

I'm so sorry. Yeah, but at the same time, I'm happy that you found out and you kicked him to the curb. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:53

I just, you know, I feel so sorry for the kids. So if you have a friend, speak up. If you're like, you know what, that guy is a bad guy, be a good friend. Tell your friend and say, Hey, you know what? I'm just not feeling it.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

You know?

SPEAKER_02 17:10

Yeah. Or uh maybe if he's come on to you. That's a big one. So I had friends, and I used to joke that I have this tattoo on my forehead that says, Married men hit on me. Or men with you know, who are in a relationship hit on me. It's like it was an imaginary tattoo. And it was enter here.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

Yeah, but you were started young when you were like 12. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

So there was a friend of mine, and her husband said, Hey, sweetie, we should go out to a movie, right? And I'm going, okay, this is weird that he was asking me. And I used to, you know, powerlift and I used to be around those kind of guys, and it was one of them. And so I'm going, okay, I just feel awkward, you know, because she was a friend of mine. Feel awkward, and it's like, I don't know. And I have a feeling that he had done that with other women, and she just kind of was one of those, oh, I'm just gonna stay, and this is just where we are, which I mean, if you're that way, then okay, but me, mm-mm, not happening. No, so he asked me, Oh, we should go see a movie, and I said, I uh that would be a great idea. I can't wait to see your wife and your daughter. Right? It's great that we can all go together. And he said, No, it would just be you and me. And I said, Yeah, no, not gonna happen, and that wouldn't be a good. And he goes, Oh, I was just joking. Right joking with you. No, you weren't, and so I think she thought that something was going on when I'm going, you know, I'm trying to be the stand-up friend. And no, that's a no. And it's so I think guys, well, women the same, you know, if women do that to their friends, they don't realize what position they put like us in. Right. You're putting me in an awkward position. I need to tell you no, my friend is there. Who do you think my friend is gonna believe? But I really need to, and that's usually the scenario. Should I tell my friend or shouldn't I tell my friend? Yeah, that's a tough one, right? Because if they're truly a friend, they're not gonna get mad at you, right? If they can truly see their significant other and who they are. I don't know. What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Well, I feel like the word that pops up in my head all the time is confrontation. People don't like or don't want confrontation.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

Yeah, I don't like confrontation. So I understand. Now, the funny thing is like I've trained in martial arts, powerlifting. I uh whenever I do that, I'm right on point. Ma'am, I can take it. My husband teases me. I tap into my Viking, you know, ancestry. I'm there. But I actually don't like confrontation. A lot of people think that I do just because I'm because you stick up for yourself and you're vocal. And but I had to get that way from being approached by older men my entire life. It's like every relationship, you just get better and better at standing up for yourself. And it's hard. Like, because me, it was very difficult. Because what do you do? You're just I think we talked about you're like in shock, going, uh, what do I do? And some people, oh, you should just tell them blah blah blah. How can you put yourself in that situation? Especially if you don't know what the person is gonna do. Are they violent? Do they have a weapon? Do they have I mean it's like legit? You gotta be worried about this stuff, especially in today's day and age, yeah, right? I mean, in my book, I do talk about some funny, but I do have a chapter specifically about anger. So I do say if you're in a relationship where you feel like you are going to be physically hurt, like legit, they've threatened to kill you, then take care of yourself, call the police, you know, do what you feel is necessary. There are organizations out there to help if you're in that position. If you're not, then leave. But if you are in a position where you do fear for your life, I say in that one chapter, don't do what I said. Talk to an organization, talk to, you know, go to a local church, do what you need to do to protect yourself. But if you aren't fearful of your life, you know, then walk away. Why would you want to put yourself in a position in a relationship where you feel bad, where you're insulted, where you're put down, where you feel bad about yourself, where you contemplate suicide because why would anybody want me? And you need to break. Free and the only way to break free is to leave.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Maybe that's where the massive, massive manipulation comes in. Like you said, kind of targeting the weak weak is not the word I'm trying to use. Just more vulnerable, maybe more um trusting.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

So I I had I dated a guy years ago. This was when I was really young. And he had me uh in a particular state we lived away from the town, right? And he would tell me every day, if you leave me, I'm going to kill you.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

No.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

And I was like, yeah, okay. Well, he did have a gun. And I had made friends with his mother. So I decided, you know what? Maybe I can ask his mother some advice. Well, I'm just in the house and he comes in, slams me against the wall. This is after talking to mother. This is after talking to mother. So mother said something. Mother said something. She didn't say anything to me. Oh, that's horrible. You know, you guys make such a good couple. And you know, things should be good. Well, then he comes in, throws me against the wall, picks up his gun, and says, If you ever make my mom cry again, I will put a bullet in your head.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 23:22

And I will bury you in the yard because no one will know you're missing. And I was away from family and friends, but that that was every day.

unknown 23:32

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

I prayed for two years. Every single day. I prayed for two years and said, God, I know that I'm here on my own choices. You know, but I'm asking you to please save me. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I'm still gonna say the prayer. Family never called, friends never called. I mean, literally, he had isolated me.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

Isolation's at the end.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

And he would come in and yes, I will kill you if you try to leave. And then he said, and if you call the police, just so you know, I'm friends with all the police, and they will bring you back here.

SPEAKER_01 24:07

Did you believe that?

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Yes.

unknown 24:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

I was only 22, I think. Was that to be true? Was he friends? No.

unknown 24:15

No.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

Nobody really liked him. But it was stay on this little family compound, you know, you don't need to leave. And I'm alone. So I'm going, he's gonna kill me. I mean, he had a gun to my head. So do tell how you left. One day, I mean, this was God. This was a hundred percent god, no question. One day, because his brother, like I said, family compound. So his brother lived in one house.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

And he had a girlfriend that was always there. She never left. She never worked. Didn't work. No. Always there. And then mine and one day his brother went to work. His girlfriend decided to go visit a friend. My guy went somewhere and the house was clear. And I was just like, I gotta get out of here. Within two hours, I was packed up and gone. Good for you. Never said where I was going. But what I had done was I got jealous, you know, in a not um controlling way, just kind of like he was studying at a college and he had a study buddy who happened to be a female. So I would go, Are you gonna go be with her? You you need to stop being so jealous. So I was kind of trying to manipulate to get him going to somebody else. I mean, I'm sorry to the female if he was like that to the female, but it was more of trying to save myself. So whenever I hear people say, I think he's gonna kill me, or you just don't understand. No, I understand. Like I legit understand. Where every day for two years I was sure I was gonna be buried in the yard.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

So now you have me so like curious. So did he ever contact you?

SPEAKER_02 25:58

What I did was I did, you know, study quite a bit of psychology. So I was putting that into play of trying to manipulate him to want to be with this other female. I acted jealous enough, not like crazy jealous, but just enough where he was like, I just want to get out of the house. How wanna be with her?

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Prior, did you do that before you left? Well, but you didn't and you didn't really like bank on that happening. It just was a random day that nobody was around, nobody was home when you took off.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

It was it was Jesus. Did you have a impact? No, I had met a friend there, and she I called her up and said, Is there any way you can pick me up and just take me away? And she said, I'll be there in like 10 minutes. Oh, that's so cool. And she, I mean, there was no packing, there was taking uh dot or uh garments out of the closet and throwing them in the car, like literally throwing in the car. Yeah, there was no packing. No, I had because uh nobody was ever gone, and I was like, they're gonna come back, and if they come back, I'm dead.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

Do you think that that with me? I'm just love details. Do you think that the brother's girlfriend had she seen you would have rotted to out? Yeah, she would have totally rotted me out because she didn't like me, and I didn't really care for her.

SPEAKER_02 27:15

She was, you know, I've always been a hard worker, wanting to make my way in some way.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Were she working when you were living with him?

SPEAKER_02 27:22

No, no, I wanted to, but he's like, No, you can stay here. You don't need to work, you can just stay in the house all the time, don't need to go anywhere. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:32

But I have a lot of stories. Um just so fascinating. But we're so happy you got out. Because here you are today.

SPEAKER_02 27:43

And it's truly that was a Jesus moment. There's no other explanation because someone was always there, always. There was no time to flee. That's what it sounds like. And it was like God said, okay, here's your moment.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

God is good, Jesus works in mysterious ways.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

Yes, and it may not be in our time, but it's in his time. And if you are in a relationship where you fear for your life, like I said, reach out to the police, maybe an organization that can help you that is um is experienced and that sort of thing. Walking out, I understand. You're like, I'm going to die.

SPEAKER_01 28:23

That's the hardest part is taking that first step. Yes. Even wrapping your mind around, I'm going to do this. That's the hardest part. Yes. Not the physical movement. It's like, I'm gonna make the choice. Yes, I'm going to do it.

SPEAKER_02 28:38

And that's one of the reasons why I wrote, I get I give the best relationship advice. And somebody said, Shauna, come on, look at your history. And I said, No, I give the best because I know it doesn't work.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

But that that almost, I mean, obviously is in your favor because that's called experience. Exactly. Yes, that's why I wrote the book to try to help people see signs. You're trying to show them his light and the darkness. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Well, there's this other guy who um I do films, you know, filmmaker, and he was in the business as well. And sometimes people want to ride your coattails. Now, if you asked the person, they probably would be like, um, you were trying to ride mine. No. I knew his film reputation and he didn't will go a lot of places. Now, me, I've just I do a lot of different things, and it's I like to do things that make me happy. You know, I write, I sing, I'm a songwriter, I play guitar for my own songs. That was another thing. I learned how to play because nobody would play for me because they were all busy. I'm too busy, I gotta do something. Fine, I'll learn myself. I'm tired of waiting for people, I'll learn myself. Um, but it was like people knew my name, and you know, I have my music video out and I've done films that are more known to people. And so it was riding the coattail. So if somebody wants to ride your coattails, that's another red flag, huh? They always want to be with you, or let's say social media. Oh, I'm posting something. Make sure to tag me. Make sure that I'm present in everything you do, make sure that I'm there, right beside you. Yes, and that's a red flag because then all they're doing is sucking, you know, your energy and sucking your happiness and sucking your talents. It's just like it's a sucking.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

I have a question for you. Okay, question. First I'm asking advice, and just out of curiosity, do you think in a healthy relationship that um you okay? A couple things. Is it how do you feel about because I hear like I hear this a lot on TV movies and stuff, and then I hear, no, it's not okay. Yes, it is, it's totally fine, there's no secrets. What do you think about a couple sharing each other's like password to their phones? Oh, my husband has my password, or like allowing, let's just say there is an incident or not, where the one person is uncomfortable and just wants to be reassured or feel better, handing that phone over to let that spouse or that partner look through it. Is that, or is that like people say it's an invasion of my privacy?

SPEAKER_02 31:31

What do you think? If you're in a relationship where you want to be, see, now I'm married, so that's like one of the things was if you trust that person, then you're going to let them have your phone, have all your passwords. Who cares? Like my husband does a social media for us, so he has all my passwords and I understand wanting your privacy, but from my standpoint of red flags, that is a big red flag that you shouldn't be together.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

That you're being asked to look, you're asking that person, can I look through your phone? So it's a red flag, red flag to the person receiving that comment, like, can I look through your phone?

SPEAKER_02 32:18

The only times that I have ever asked that of somebody is if I thought they were cheating.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

And it confirmed that they were. Which I will say is usually the reason why the asking is happening in the first place. But what's interesting and funny is when that person gets really defensive and is like, no, no, no, no, no. It's privacy. No, you can't look through my phone. And X, Y, and Z. It's like, but if you have nothing to hide, exactly, and you want to make the person you love, you know, be at ease and feel better, why not just let them take a little peek? This is chapter at whatever's bothering me.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

I think. I think I have 32 chapters in my book. This is chapter 32. That's in there. Okay. Um, so it's funny because this particular guy knew I was writing the book.

unknown 33:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

You were with him while you were writing it. Um, I had finished writing it. Oh. So I had finished it, it wasn't quite published yet. I had finished it, and he knew all about it. I'd known him for years. Like were you dating? We were dating. Yes. We were dating. Things were going great. According to what I thought. And he knows if he's watching this, he knows he's gonna be like, Yep, that's me. So we had known each other since high school. And he told me, he was like, Oh, do you think I'm gonna be a chapter in the book? And I was like, No, why would you be a chapter in the book? Of course not.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

But you knew he was going to be.

SPEAKER_02 33:47

No, I didn't know. Oh, what it was how it ended that I was like, because he goes, Oh, I guess I'm not a chapter. You know, he was joking. So when it ended, I said, Well, guess what? You're chapter 32. I think 33. It's one of those. The last chapter. The last chapter. I said last chapter, that's you. Oh my. And he knew it. So what happened? Talking about a phone. What happened was why he was with me, his phone was always turned down. Now I understand that people will turn it down to not be bothered by tech.

SPEAKER_01 34:22

She doesn't mean volume, she means the screen face down.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

I mean the screen face down. Me, I don't care. It's like if it's up, it's uh, you know, it doesn't whatever. I don't care. Um, but he always had it down, and that's just something. And you may put yours down and go, Oh, I always put my down. I'm not cheating. Why, you know, this is not me. I'm talking about personal experience. Every time I've been with someone who does that, we're trying to hide the notifications that are coming up, right? So we were away somewhere. He was taking a nap, and I said, You know what? My gut is just saying, Look at the phone, look at the phone.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

What's happened to me before? My gut was like, Look, you know, you want to. And I was right. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

I was right. I took screenshots, I took pictures of the text messages because I knew he would delete them.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

You had the password to get in, or was it not? It wasn't kind of screen. There was no password, it was just he always had it down. Because um, you can mute the sound, but you can't mute mute, like you're saying, any notifications that pop up. And so putting it down, it's like, well, even if I turn it the ringer down, this way she can't or he can't see who's texting or you know, messaging or whatever. Well, it was was it lengthy lots, like a conversation? Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:41

It was, but it wasn't just that time, it was all these times when he was coming to meet me. Um, one was after a friend had passed away, right? I text him and I said, Can you come over? And he said, Oh, I can't come over right now. But I'll come over tomorrow. Well, it just so happened he was with another female on the night that I needed him when my friend had passed away. Yes. And he was with so I went through all the text messages and found it.

SPEAKER_01 36:11

And I was just like Tell us about the confrontation that I know you don't like, but you said I actually looked through your phone. Oh, yeah. Did you do it? I woke him up from his network. Okay, I was gonna say, because it drives me nuts when I love Lifetime Movie Network. I love lifetime in general. I'm shocked. I'm shocked. They'll see or hear something like and then they'll turn around and run out, whether their significant other saw them or not. I'm like, why would you not confront them at the time?

SPEAKER_02 36:45

Well, normally normally I don't. Normally I play my cards very, very well. Like, very well.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

You know the type of to get maybe the best the best reaction to that.

SPEAKER_02 36:59

That was I woke him up from the nap and I said, I was right. And he's like, What do you mean? And I said, I knew it, and I showed him his phone. He was like, What are you doing with my phone? I said, I searched for the text messages and I was right. What'd he say? And he's like, Well, I I just, you know, I you know, I'm emotional and I I have issues, and you know what? I'm not, I'm not that great. And I said, Oh no, I'm not that great. We are not playing. Well, it was a manipulation tactic. Oh I'm not that great. I I have these issues and I I'm depressed, and I'm like, hey, ain't gonna work on me. Okay, wrong person, wrong time. Not gonna work on me. Oh, well, I just I just feel so pitiful, and I know I'm just bad as what you say I am, and I'm like, oh no. So that's another thing. Whenever someone is, you know, you're trying to confront them, and all they're doing is going, Oh, you just hate me, don't you? And tries to turn it around as if they're the victim. And that he knew me well enough. I'm like, oh you're not happening.

SPEAKER_01 38:12

But did he ever moving forward after that? Was he like, please, please, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Please, please, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 38:18

But I'm like, I can't trust you. No, uh, ever again, especially when he did it repeated times, looking through all the text messages repeated times, and every time that one of the times it was like a nice romantic evening, he had talked to a female up until the moment that he met me for our romantic evening dinner.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Did you bring that up? I hope so.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:40

Because a woman, I I'm sorry, I will say that the women will remember every like date. Like, that was the day he said he was going to the gym or whatever, where guys were like, huh? I don't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. It's a joke, it's not meant to be a button.

SPEAKER_02 38:57

No, the guy guys are that's a joke. I mean, having a son, you know that.

SPEAKER_01 39:01

Yeah. Women do not remember more detail. That was the day I remember I asked him for help, and he said, you know, yeah, he was napping or whatever.

unknown 39:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:14

Oh. And that's why if anyone turns their phone down, it's just a gut thing that I have now, or maybe PTSD or something. It's like as soon as they turn it down, I go, uh, what's going on? There's something, yeah, something shady there. And if you do want to turn your phone down or not give your person access to your phone, think about whether you should be with them or not. Because if you want to talk to other people, which is fine. I mean, my husband has friends, female friends, I have male friends, you know, it's not anything I know his female friends, you know, quite well. And he'll they'll text back jokes, not a big deal. You know, that's why he doesn't care if I look at his phone. That's why I don't care if he looks at mine. It's like I have guy friends, I'll send emojis, and but if somebody is, oh, you know what, I don't want him looking at my phone, maybe you shouldn't be with him. Maybe you need to be with someone who makes you comfortable and confident and happy and where you're not desiring something. And another thing, another thing that I have never understood. I, you know, people at first would tell me, Shauna, you just don't stick in a relationship. Well, if I'm not happy and that person's not happy and they're not good for you, why are you staying in a relationship? Why?

SPEAKER_01 40:40

Yeah, no, I'm the one that's like, I'm out. Well, me too.

SPEAKER_02 40:43

If it's not if it's not working, if it's not happy, if you're not growing in a good way, and it's just stagnant or bad, or oh, he cheated on me, it's not gonna happen again. Oh, look, he cheated on me again, it's not gonna happen again, or same with a female. Oh, she cheated on me, oh, it won't happen again. And guess what? It keeps happening. I just don't understand. I grew up in you know, hardcore Christian, you know, I'm to talking to the extreme, and it was stay with the person no matter what. And I'm like, why are you gonna stay with the person no matter what when it's uh you know? I understand that, believe me, marriage is not perfect, marriage is not some happier, la la la la la. And everything's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 41:33

Someone told me once it takes work every day, yes, and that's so true.

SPEAKER_02 41:37

Yes, absolutely, it takes work every day, and you need to be with someone that you truly are happy to help take care of. You know, if you're not happy, why make yourself live through that? I just don't understand. I understand commitment.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

Okay, I get that because I think people bring into it like if there's children, or um, they'll think about maybe the early on, how it was good. So they women, I mean, I know I've felt like this when I was younger, much younger, like in my 20s, but it's like, oh, I can change him. I'll change him. He's just different right now. He's stressed, but he'll I can get him back to the guy he was when we were first dating. That's not gonna happen ever, ever.

SPEAKER_02 42:23

I'm laughing because so you really can't change people. Mama's boy. That's one of my chapters. Mama's boy, and mama's boys don't change. So I always say, never, ever, ever date a mama's boy. Like ever.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

Now, give an example or a reason why they will not change. Being a mama's boy.

SPEAKER_02 42:48

Because their mother has now, this is my experience with mothers. There's a difference. My son and I are very close, but we are close in a healthy way. So you can be close with your mom, close with your son in a healthy way, where it is, I want you to be independent, I want you to have your own life, I'm here to support you, I'm here for you to come. But when the mother is like, you have a choice between you or her, you know, me or her. And you better choose me because I'm gonna tell you how I'm gonna make your life complete hell if you do not choose me. She's your mother. That's odd.

SPEAKER_01 43:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 43:24

That's just it was that's just that's psychological warfare. They have issues. Um, yeah, but it came down to Ma, you know, I am your mother or her, and supposedly she's your dream woman, but you know what? It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 43:41

And did the mother of this mama's boy like you? Or is it typical they don't really like anyone their son dates?

SPEAKER_02 43:47

I thought she liked me. So she was very kind of iffy. Why does she come? You know, he would he would go over and it's like I I told him, I don't feel comfortable, like I feel like she's judging me the whole. Whole time. Like, you mean the mom would come over? No, we would go over to his mother's house. Sorry, I've got to get a little bit of a drink, you know. That's my British accent for you. Did you know that I'm actually English? Anyway. You just said that you were Vikings. I'm both. Oh. I've got my English side and I've got my Scandinavian side. Yes. I can be both. I'm both. So that's why when I'm passionate about something, I'm like, and otherwise I'm just like prim and proper. Oh gosh. But what were you talking about? The mom of the mama's boy. Mom. Stay away from mom. No, I thought she was, even he said, Oh, she's known you since high school, and you know, because this was a long time ago. Yeah. And I thought she liked you. Mom likes you always nice. And talking to you. And talking to me. But then he's like, maybe you shouldn't go over there with me. I think I need to go alone. And it got to the point where um you're not welcome in my mom's house anymore. Oh. Yeah. So little by little, it was mom is taking over. So that's why I say if someone is a mama's boy, it's not going to change. Because it's going to come to the point of mom's going to say, me or her, and you better choose me because I'm going to make your life a loving hell.

SPEAKER_01 45:33

So what does that mean? He doesn't get married or have children because clearly the wife, you know, will have a whole separate, more serious part of him than you know, you had it. And it's like, who wants to be in that position? Well, yeah, and he's miserable. A mother-in-law like that, I think.

SPEAKER_02 45:49

He's miserable, or he was miserable.

SPEAKER_01 45:52

And yeah, I'm just like makes you wonder what these people are doing today.

SPEAKER_02 45:58

Well, and you wonder what they were doing at home. Like what kind of manipulation would mom do? So raising my son, I always told him from the very start, I am your mom, I'm here to support you. We have a very close relationship. But when you have a girlfriend wife, she is number one. Your kids are number one. I am here just for support. Yep. And I am here to love you, support you. You know, if somebody is bad for you, I'll share my opinion, but I'm not going to intervene. I mean, you're an adult, you're gonna make your own choices, you're gonna be overbearing, yeah, not be intrusive. You'll make your mistakes. So even now he's like, Oh, I make my own decisions, you know. My mom will give me her opinion, which I do. Always. This is what I think. You are an adult, you can make your own decisions, you make your own, you know, you have to learn your own lessons. It's like us. Yeah, we've been through so many experiences, and we are who we are because of the mistakes we made, you know. So even though you look back sometimes, and this is another thing that I talk about, you look back and want to change things, but if you change things, you're not gonna be who you are.

SPEAKER_01 47:07

That's what I was just gonna ask you. Do you think we also live through all those because it also defines us and kind of makes us who we are?

SPEAKER_02 47:13

Yes, and I think it's a choice. So let's say you're in a bad relationship, you're in a bad, you know, moment and you break up with a person. Now is your choice. Are you going to take what you learned and apply it to positive and find someone better, or are you going to have it eat at you and destroy you? Repeat the repeat the keep repeating the behavior. And it's your choice. Happiness is a choice. Looking at the bright side, looking at his light in the darkness is a choice. And that's what we're here is to say, hey, you can break free, you can find joy, and if you're hurting and you're scarred from early relationships or you know, um unfortunate relationships that you can't help, I it's okay. Break free and find strength in yourself. If somebody is with someone, especially if they're obsessed, whether it be you being obsessed with that person or that person being obsessed with you and making your life really bad, break up with them and be by yourself. Yes. I think learning to love yourself, learning to grow, learning to do things that you want to do personally, like, hey, I I've always wanted to learn blah blah blah. I've always wanted to do blah blah blah. Find a hobby. Yes, find a hobby, do that.

SPEAKER_01 48:47

And just a lot of people though that don't like to be alone, or they hop from one relationship to the next without even taking a moment to get to know themselves. It's like, how are you in a relationship again? It was like last Tuesday.

SPEAKER_02 49:05

Well, I think it's finding, like you said, a hobby, which means you can go somewhere and do something where you're with people. Yes. Um, get connected, reconnected with friends, go out to movies. I mean, if you if there's a why or church or yeah, you know, this pickleball's kind of become this new thing.

SPEAKER_01 49:28

And I've yet to play. I can't wait. I've never played before. I just hear people love pickleball. Isn't it funny?

SPEAKER_02 49:34

It's like mini tennis.

SPEAKER_01 49:36

Yes, and I love pink pulling.

SPEAKER_02 49:37

I understand.

SPEAKER_01 49:38

Yes, that's what I heard too. Like mini tennis, like ping pong. Yeah, yeah. Kind of like ping pong, a mix of ping pong mini tennis. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:45

Which when I was young, because the way we grew up, ping pong was huge. Yeah, too. Yes, the big big one. Yeah, we did too. Yeah, that's so fun. That was Leggenics, yes.

SPEAKER_01 49:58

Yes, this was like early 90s, but we had one in our attached basement or something. It was like an attached room that we called the playroom, but there was a tennis or tennis, I wish. I love tennis. Ping pong table in there. Ping pong. And it had that like astroturf, that like oh nice fake. Looks like grass. Yeah, but it was fun.

unknown 50:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:23

Pretend grass. Yes. We had a lot of parties. I mean, we had a lot of people over and we played ping pong. Right. No parties. Um a lot of ping pong tournaments.

SPEAKER_02 50:34

My brother was very I'm thinking that ping pong is meaning something totally different.

SPEAKER_01 50:40

We had a lot of ping pong tournaments. Ping ping wing. No, especially not with my brother's name in there. How do we even get off on this total subject of ping pong that we can't now seem to bear fun?

unknown 51:00

So random.

SPEAKER_02 51:01

Pickle ball. You were talking about pickleball. Pickle ball. Led to questionable, questionable uh experiences and make it. You were thinking ping pong like back and forth, ping pong with people?

SPEAKER_01 51:18

People not paddles, paddles and balls. That's it's getting even worse. Let's carry on. Carry on. Stay calm and carry on.

SPEAKER_02 51:33

Well, talking about dating, like I said, got my book, Red Flag Run. If you want a funny, enjoyable, but really good points of what to avoid with people. It's a great read, and I've used my experience. I I told my son, I said, You gotta read this, and he goes, Mom, I lived it. I don't need to read it like his dad and I broke up when he was six, and he's 23 now.

SPEAKER_01 52:00

And he remembers when you guys were together. No.

SPEAKER_02 52:03

And he's like, I lived every every chapter. I don't need to remember. Give the title again. Red flag run. Red flag run. But it's under my maiden name, Shauna Bedford. And great read. Hey, if you want, send us emails. His lightinthedarkness podcast at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 52:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 52:27

Send us your stories. We would love to hear them. And possibly discuss some. Yes. Especially, I hear everybody that's read the book for the most part says, oh my gosh, it's me. I've experienced like almost every single person. I just thought it was only me. I didn't think that's where you help people. Because they said, I just I thought it was just something that was wrong with me that I was attracting. And that's why I wrote the book because I'm like, something must be wrong with me. Like there's something wrong with me. But it was just I kept choosing the wrong people. And when you choose the wrong people, things aren't gonna work out.

SPEAKER_01 53:04

No, probably not.

SPEAKER_02 53:06

No, especially not how you want them. No, it's not. Hey, well, I guess we can wrap it up then. And Megan is choosing the next subject for the next podcast. I'm anxious to pressure or anything, which I still need to think about. Because if you guys want to hear anything, like I said, email us or comment on our social media. Which I need to put my husband to work. He needs to do more social media for us. I'm so busy with all my jobs though. Yes. Like do some work, man. Just kidding.

unknown 53:43

Not really.

SPEAKER_02 53:44

Um, anyway. So join us next time, his light in the darkness podcast at gmail.com. Like, follow, subscribe, and let us continue bringing some his lights, some lights from Jesus in the darkness. How did you like my French accent? I liked it a lot. That was really good. We're I went from English to French. So I'm I am English and Scandinavian. Yeah, everything. Then I married a Frenchman. Now he's not actually from France. He is ancestral from France. Like most people. Yes. The generic American. Yes. Typical gen typical American. Anyway, see well, thank you guys. Thank you for joining us, and we will see you next time.